When I was Your Lover...

I looked at my day,
It was dull, full with loneliness,
There were no such things,
That could always make me smile,
Yet, there were only tears, grieve and pain.


I were alone,
When you decided to look away,
Far away from me.


The only thing left,
Was only the memory?
Memory that could never fade or it will.
I could never know.


Day by day,
It gone without you by my side,
Believe me, I could never allowed it to happen,
But, when you turn away from me,
Which one is more painful, to know that you are gone or to keep your body with me, without your soul?


Alone, how could I ever faced the world alone,
When I had in my hand
The vow that we make years ago,
The vow that to me seems just been made yesterday,
The vow that keep me always with you,
Although without the vow, I will always be with you,
But yet, you leave me alone.


My love, tell me something,
What makes you turned away?
Yet, I would never know the answer,
Because I was your lover.


My love,
I know that you know it,
That I love you much more than anyone,
But still, you leave me alone.


My love,
You know it,
When you turn away from me,
There was no more love in you,
When you turn away,
I know, I could never see your eyes again,
I know, your smiles are not meant to me,
But,
Do you realized that,
When you looked away,
I love you ever more than ever,
Perhaps you didn’t know,
Perhaps you will never know.


My love,
You are gone now,
Forever, that you will be,
There is only one thing that I always have in my mind,
Alone I am, yet you will forever be in my mind,
Forever.

empty...

there's an empty space over there, but i don't know what should i fill it in with...
there's an empty paper in my hand, but i don't know what should i sketch it with...
there's an empty spot in my mind, but i don't know what should i think about it with...
there's an empty thing in my heart, but i don't know what should i feel about it with...

empty

the lost words...

it was a silent night, without a sound of anything
tried to find the light, he could see nothing
the breathe, the tick, the pulse, and that's it...

so many things in his mind, yet he couldn't find the string
wonder what he would find, he waited for what life would bring
it wasn't this, it wasn't that, it, it wasn't it...

all he did was to argue, with his tongue that's mute
till all that embraced

 him was the dew, but there's nothing resolute
he fidgeted, he sighed, he moaned, but was it?

he wasn't sure, things that he should do
he wasn't sure, places that he should go
he thought of this, but it reminded him of that
he wanted to say this, but he stutter the word of that

it wasn't easy he said, it's never gonna be easy...

a man...

there was a young man over that corner,
doing nothing albeit he had a book in hand,
it seems for eternity, 
he kept on staring at the cover,
somehow he couldn't muster the courage to open it,
his thoughts, flew a thousand miles away,
slowly it slipped, perhaps for eternity,
there are so many things came by,
for almost a never ending second, 
the birds stopped chirping,

it was very solemn, it was quiet all the way,
there was nothing left he thought,
he realized that there were cats even before he came to that corner,
cats that had been with him since before,
he wanted to open his mouth, he wanted to pat them, he wanted to hugged them,
but he was afraid,
he wanted to go away, to embarked a new journey, leaving behind everything, without any good-bye,
then one of the cat came, and sat in front of him,
then another one came, sat next to him, then another one came, sat on his lap,
they didn't make a sound, they just stay there, and wait,
and wait and wait and wait, that were all they did,
they were all looking at him, and after a while, he heard a sound,
the cat on his lap, seemed to say "it's ok, we're with you" with his meow and his purr,
and finally, he open the book...

this is me...

I'm a gay... Not a straight guy, neither a bisexual... 
I'm a gay... My desire is for another man, and my lust is also the same...
I'm a gay... Handling women could be tricky and troublesome for me...
I'm a gay... As much as it sounds cliche, I believe in gay love...
I'm a gay... I want to be together with the man that i love till be both die...
I'm a gay... I couldn't provide a woman the man she wanted and I couldn't provide a man the family he dreams of...
I'm a gay... The thought of having my man turning away and marries another woman, is terrifying... 

I'm a gay...

a bright shining star out there...

looking out the window
one bright star shining
now and then hidden by the cloud
gone only for a moment
inside i was sitting and staring
night was silent
giving me a chance to reminisce

forever i thought it will be there
one silly wish that i have inside

remembering how it feels sitting under that bright night

lovely isn't it
once, only for one more time
very tiny wish that i have
even when the star no longer there

perdido

Canto una canción a la luna.. 
Mas nada sucede... 
Se siente tan desolado aquí dentro... 

Cuchichéo al viento... 
Pero entonces permanece allí... 
Se siente tan vacío aquí dentro... 

Tarareo a la noche oscura... 
Pero la estrella estuvo en ningún lugar... 

Se siente tan oscuro aquí dentro...

Oooo la noche silenciosa...
Lo que debe hago...
Lo que debe digo...

strength...

Being strong doesnt only mean that i need to be able to hold my tears when im in pain, to keep smiling when it hurts to do so, to stay awake when i feel like closing my eyes forever... 

But it is to accept the fact of my life and to live with it...
To stand tall and walk proud when im still breathing...
And to smile and make the others smile too...

This is the path that ive chosen n this is the price that i paid...
Im strong and will always be... 
Thanks to everyone who made this journey with me...

look down, listen and believe...

It wasn’t dark, it wasn’t solemn either,
But I couldn’t feel it anymore…

There wasn’t one, there wasn’t any…

The song, The warmth, The whisper,
Couldn’t find the way out it seems…

Where was it, where was it…

Long has it been, Lost by the wind,
But I couldn’t find it anymore…

Don’t ask me, I couldn’t answer…

It wasn’t lost, someone said,
Merely you couldn’t find it inside…

Why was it, why was it…

Look down, listen and believe,
And you will find…

just like before...

it was like, nothing,
excitement wasnt there anymore,
routine has it been,
perhaps with very little desire...

what happened?
what changed?
what derailed?

just like that, gone
over the time, faded,
that was it, yes...

wish you would understand...
wish you would listen...
wish you would come...

just like before...

love for one of us

I was there,
sitting right in front of him...

looking deep into his eyes,
while he was smiling and talking to me...

it was a happy conversation, 
we talked about things we love...

his eyes was gleaming,

full with happiness and passion...

I was happy to listen,
to just sit there and be there for him...

inside his eyes i saw myself,
wondering and thinking and waiting...

perhaps i was wondering,
will i ever get the answer...

was it love for me?
it was love for him...

we're looking into each other eyes,
and yet he didnt know I was crying...

small break

it's hard to breath tonight,
the dark night seems to be clear of any stars,
there seems to be nothing,
emptiness trying to find its way inside...

my chest feels heavy right now,
was something inside?
or was it something missing?
logic seems to be fading away...

has the time comes?
is it the end?
could this be it?
will I find the answer?

my body is in pain,
my heart aches,
my mind disconnected,
my feeling numbed...

I need a break

instinct and hope...

it was a stupid hope isnt it,
to see a smile on that face,
when after years of hatred,
seems like a stone carved into.

it made me thinking tonight,
in fact again and again i thought,
inside whether i could ever find it,
instinct told me to stop.

i did, i stopped for years,
to never put on hope,
to never asking why,
to never been bothered again.

it got broader, the fixed smile,
it got louder, the fixed laughter,
it got softer, the fixed facade,
it got, so much more after all this years...

it wasn't me...

it wasn't me when I cheated on you,
it wasn't me when I made you cry,
it wasn't me who broke the promise that I made to you,
it wasn't me who left you alone at night,
it wasn't me when I didn't come and made you my dinner date,
it wasn't me when I forget when was the most important day in your life,
it wasn't me when I drop you at the salon so that I can take a look at the latest summer collection,
it wasn't me who didn't want to stand over your back,
it wasn't me who didn't have the courage to admit you are my boyfriend,
it wasn't me when I didn't admit that I'm gay, in fact I am,
it wasn't me who act so cool when you asked me for explanation,
it wasn't me when you slapped me and closed your mouth, couldn't speak at all,
it wasn't me when I told you it was over,
it wasn't me,

it wasn't me, it's just me being blind...
it wasn't me, in fact, it is...

and i never regret falling for you...

It was fun knowing you,
somehow you made my day brighter,
message, IM, and such,
I'll be waiting for yours.

I don't know for how long,
have I composed those courage,
to tell you that I like you,
and to tell you that I already fall for you.

It sounds overacting i guess,
to think that I'll be angry
when I imagine u're in someone else's embrace,
to be caresses by other,
to be with someone other than me,
others but me.

It was a relieved,
to let you know about it,
I don't care whether i'll be reject or accept,
all i know, i always like you
whatever your choice is.

somehow I knew i'm already rejected,
but still when u asked me to stay at ur place that night,
I can't help from thinking,
will it be yes, or no...

and then you told me,
 you are leaving to london,
for a week, or two or even for good,
u don't know,
i'm shattered.

but yeah, i'm sad,
not to be rejected.

i'm sad because i won't be seeing you again,
that makes me afraid,
and sad.

but yeah, it was for good huh,
and i'm glad that you told me,
it meant a lot,
and i never regret to tell you about my feelings,
and i never regret falling for you...

unloved lover

I wish we were a tied by a cupid,
destined to be together for eternity,
both of us filled with love,
so that I won't be lonely...

I want to take your hands and put it in my heart,
for you to see beneath this so-called friendship,
there is something beautiful for you,
that always dreamed of you in my sleep...

But, alas it was all impossible,
since it is like searching a needle in a hay,
a selfish desire that I had,
because you wouldn't look my way...

And though that my love would make you happy,
you turn to other and took his hands,
to left me alone with my unrequited love,
with you walking happily with your man...

I desire for something that I cannot have,
all for myself forever together,
for this bond remains intact,
only that I was never able to have it forever...

I will keep you in my memory,
despite that I will only live in pain,
of lover who remains unloved,
and loved who love in vain

someone whom i shouldn't long to...

it hurts, deep inside...
longing for someone who doesn't even know...
or, he does, and do nothing about it...

life is not the same...
there was no good morning message when i woke up...
and there was no sweet talk from him when i'm sleepy...

being silent, till now...
just me alone, waiting and waiting...
hoping that he'll get to know...

isn't it nice, this friendship...
i wish i can be his friend all the time...
and talk to him whenever i can...

but, too bad, that doesn't seems to be the reality...

a wish i have

there is a wish that i have,

i keep it hidden from everyone,

deep within my heart,

so that no one would come to realize about its existence,

and built a great wall to give it a new facade...

how selfish i am,

that sometimes in my life,i want someone to look solemnly into me,

to find the hidden wish,

to materialized the wish that i long for...

perhaps that would be too difficult,

perhaps that is impossible,

perhaps that would bring qualm over myself...

someone made me believed that that is impossible,

someone made me thought that it will happen,

someone made me realized that it will, one day...